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Best Fundraiser Ever
Scott Adams

I saw in the news that Andre Agassi “inadvertently” whacked his wife, Steffi Graf, in the face with his racket during a fundraiser.

http://sports.yahoo.com/ten/news?slug=ap-grafinjured&prov=ap&type=lgns

The fundraiser was part of a new reality show produced by Oprah. The doctor who bid $70,000 to play tennis with Agassi and Graf also got to put the stitches in Graf’s lip. Hmmmm. . . Was this really an accident?

One theory is that Andre Agassi, the most precise tennis player in history, who could circumcise a mosquito with a tennis racket during mid serve, couldn’t avoid hitting his wife in the face. I suppose that’s possible, in the “anything can happen” way of thinking. But let’s examine the alternative theory.

Let’s say Oprah corners Agassi alone before the event and says, “Andre, the doctor will pay $70,000 just to play tennis. But if you hit your wife in the head so he can stitch her up, that’s another $100,000 to benefit the children.”

At first, Andre would probably say, “No way!” But Oprah would just furrow her brow and look at him in that “I’m Oprah and you’re not” way. She wouldn’t have to actually say, “I’ll tell everyone that you don’t care about children” because it would be implied. Oprah can be very convincing. I imagine her saying, “Andre, you’ve been married for a while. Can you honestly tell me you can’t think of one good reason to bust her lip with a racket? Don’t lie to me. I’m Oprah.”

By the time Oprah was done with Agassi, Steffi’s face was probably starting to look round, green, and fuzzy. Interestingly, Agassi managed to bust Steffi’s lip without damaging her teeth. I assume that’s because the guy who bid the highest was a doctor and not a dentist. If the bidder had been a psychiatrist, that would have been the best show of all. Agassi would have had to club Steffi to death and keep her in a freezer.

I’m not criticizing. I think it’s great to help the children.