What it was like when someone yelled

I think both of us were pretty down and because of that, pretty alone. I think that happens sometimes, especially when you're tired and frustrated.

I started crying this evening, you know when the pain kind of erupts and your body has to get it out and you keep going simply because you're sad and afraid.

Tonight the other person in the room was probably afraid and hurt as well. Then he told me that I don't have a good reason to be crying and that I need to get over it and control it, as if I needed to apologize for feeling sad. He made me explain why I was crying by asking loudly multiple times. I gave in and succinctly gave three reasons which only affirmed that it was perfectly reasonable to be crying. 

He said angrily, "What's so bad about your life that you need to be crying," and demanded that I assert more "agency" over these emotions.

Tonight I lost my intentions to be patient with him and started becoming apathetic towards his hurt. 

The conversations like this always end in two ways: I leave the room or calmly explain the situation. When I leave I wish I could run away. When I explain the situation it's almost like being a detective; at least this requires more objective and outwardly thinking.

I never apologized for crying. I don't think anyone should feel the need to apologize for the emotions that arise, whatever those emotions may be. I think in general we can control our second or third thoughts and sometimes should apologize for those, but not our first. 

I believe that when you're feeling down, the people who care about you can tell you that you have done things wrong. At the same time, they should always be kind. 

We never have to feel ashamed to feel.

Update

Decided to be more real on here. Maybe relay some stories from my journals that have happened in the past few years because clearly the internet needs more drama. Seriously though, I don’t want to keep posting feel-good photos of cities and fashion in places and not take advantage of the fact that I can be additionally be honest about life’s confusions and hardships as well. 

I plan to use the word “I” without worrying that other people will think it’s too much self-reflection.

When I read about other people’s experiences it helps a lot. Whenever I do that here, I hope it helps you remember that you’re not alone -- a fact that is never too old a reminder.