If there ever was a time when I spent the whole day just adoring God and everything else faded away in comparison, I want to be in that place.
If there ever was an hour when nothing could bring me down into a dark place because God's light was blindingly bright, I want to be there.
The past two years have undermined any notion that I had life in control. In the midst of darkness -- depression, anxiety... exhaustion -- I'm so tempted to dwell on the worst of memories and the worst of my imagination, and to trust no one.
I'm physically sick right now, but it doesn't seem so bad compared to the emotions: fear, jealousy, pride, clouds of confusion and distance, and probably more that I can't recall right now. I cry because of these feelings; I'm afraid because I feel like this will not pass. Every time I think I've fought off the pain it comes back to haunt me with intensity. Jealousy because I think everyone is giving attention to anyone but me. Pride because I absolutely love to dress up and pretend everything is good and I've got it all together. Clouds because I just want to hide in my room and cry because I can't figure out what is true; the lies are so loud that I can't focus on the present or anything around me.
But these feelings are just lies, completely powerless compared to Him who lives inside of us. Even though I've lost hope, joy, and physical weight, the score hasn't changed because I have not lost my God. I'm going to keep fighting and I'm going to stay alive.
:::
April 2012: About noon or a bit after today I was watching over Michelle [last names removed] who had been / was manifest by the Holy Spirit and on the floor. Eventually I went to get a quick prayer from David. Then I felt something tingling. Sat back by Michelle. Then I started jolting a lot, in my arms & fingers, and my chest and legs. And I suppose speaking in tongues, though not too long earlier when I was praying for John I started to do so a little bit without really knowing if I was. Anyway I have jolted a lot today. So that has been interesting. But more importantly as I sat on the floor I cried when I realized that God had answered my prayers, so much, so many times, that HE would reveal Himself to me. And it was the first time I believed that Heaven is real. It was so unbelievably good; my mind can't comprehend its goodness. JESUS!
June 2013: You, my child, serve Me. You will never be alone, and not even death can change that. The grace I've given you will not run dry. You are separated from your sins and you'll never have to fear.
October 2014: What is God inviting you to do? release from anger/anxiety/depression, from fears in the world, loving on others, remember why I came to Stanford and what I want to do with my degrees
