Update on those goals I set and forgot about

Learn how to DJ: my place has a DJ controller now. definitely learned a few basics, but need tons more practice. I realized that I really enjoy psytrance. 
Upload some YouTube videos: I made one YouTube video. 
Learn more about what kind of job I should have after grad school: this one is still greatly confusing. I took a break from my PhD to job search so there's a lot more pressure now. I want to do something creative as a job, but I want a stable income so maybe still something engineering-related and then creative work on the side? Otherwise it'll be even harder to get my foot in the door. 
Reconnect with close friends: this has happened a bit! Partially by design because of the move this summer. 
Regain control of my worries: better than the past two years for sure, but still difficult. The days when I either work out or spend a lot of time learning something difficult are the best days. 
Get more muscular??? (like lean): I joined an incredible gym and am working on this. My strength and weight have increased, with muscles slightly changing. Probably need to accompany this with a more protein-based diet and more food overall. 

What it was like when someone yelled

I think both of us were pretty down and because of that, pretty alone. I think that happens sometimes, especially when you're tired and frustrated.

I started crying this evening, you know when the pain kind of erupts and your body has to get it out and you keep going simply because you're sad and afraid.

Tonight the other person in the room was probably afraid and hurt as well. Then he told me that I don't have a good reason to be crying and that I need to get over it and control it, as if I needed to apologize for feeling sad. He made me explain why I was crying by asking loudly multiple times. I gave in and succinctly gave three reasons which only affirmed that it was perfectly reasonable to be crying. 

He said angrily, "What's so bad about your life that you need to be crying," and demanded that I assert more "agency" over these emotions.

Tonight I lost my intentions to be patient with him and started becoming apathetic towards his hurt. 

The conversations like this always end in two ways: I leave the room or calmly explain the situation. When I leave I wish I could run away. When I explain the situation it's almost like being a detective; at least this requires more objective and outwardly thinking.

I never apologized for crying. I don't think anyone should feel the need to apologize for the emotions that arise, whatever those emotions may be. I think in general we can control our second or third thoughts and sometimes should apologize for those, but not our first. 

I believe that when you're feeling down, the people who care about you can tell you that you have done things wrong. At the same time, they should always be kind. 

We never have to feel ashamed to feel.

Update

Decided to be more real on here. Maybe relay some stories from my journals that have happened in the past few years because clearly the internet needs more drama. Seriously though, I don’t want to keep posting feel-good photos of cities and fashion in places and not take advantage of the fact that I can be additionally be honest about life’s confusions and hardships as well. 

I plan to use the word “I” without worrying that other people will think it’s too much self-reflection.

When I read about other people’s experiences it helps a lot. Whenever I do that here, I hope it helps you remember that you’re not alone -- a fact that is never too old a reminder.

3/26/2014

It'll be easy, no one said.

Things I want to do next

Learn how to DJ
Upload some YouTube videos
Learn more about what kind of job I should have after grad school
Reconnect with close friends
Regain control of my worries
Get more muscular??? (like lean)

I think there's more. I'll update this later.

Thank you girls.

I was talking to my friend Olivia and I started reflecting upon my closest girl friends since she asked me who they were. I realized that these girls are so wonderfully strong. From talking to people the past few years I've noticed that my guy friends are very good at compartmentalizing their thoughts when they feel down, while the girls often think about "a million things" at once. As a general statement, if a million things are bothering my girl friends, it's hard for them to simply shut things off or focus on something else. Knowing this shows me that these girls are so strong. They can keep smiling and keep loving others despite all the things trying to bring them down. I'm glad they are in my life.

No Quitting

If there ever was a time when I spent the whole day just adoring God and everything else faded away in comparison, I want to be in that place.
If there ever was an hour when nothing could bring me down into a dark place because God's light was blindingly bright, I want to be there.

The past two years have undermined any notion that I had life in control. In the midst of darkness -- depression, anxiety... exhaustion -- I'm so tempted to dwell on the worst of memories and the worst of my imagination, and to trust no one.
I'm physically sick right now, but it doesn't seem so bad compared to the emotions: fear, jealousy, pride, clouds of confusion and distance, and probably more that I can't recall right now. I cry because of these feelings; I'm afraid because I feel like this will not pass. Every time I think I've fought off the pain it comes back to haunt me with intensity. Jealousy because I think everyone is giving attention to anyone but me. Pride because I absolutely love to dress up and pretend everything is good and I've got it all together. Clouds because I just want to hide in my room and cry because I can't figure out what is true; the lies are so loud that I can't focus on the present or anything around me.

But these feelings are just lies, completely powerless compared to Him who lives inside of us. Even though I've lost hope, joy, and physical weight, the score hasn't changed because I have not lost my God. I'm going to keep fighting and I'm going to stay alive.

:::

April 2012: About noon or a bit after today I was watching over Michelle [last names removed] who had been / was manifest by the Holy Spirit and on the floor. Eventually I went to get a quick prayer from David. Then I felt something tingling. Sat back by Michelle. Then I started jolting a lot, in my arms & fingers, and my chest and legs. And I suppose speaking in tongues, though not too long earlier when I was praying for John I started to do so a little bit without really knowing if I was. Anyway I have jolted a lot today. So that has been interesting. But more importantly as I sat on the floor I cried when I realized that God had answered my prayers, so much, so many times, that HE would reveal Himself to me. And it was the first time I believed that Heaven is real. It was so unbelievably good; my mind can't comprehend its goodness. JESUS!

June 2013: You, my child, serve Me. You will never be alone, and not even death can change that. The grace I've given you will not run dry. You are separated from your sins and you'll never have to fear.

October 2014: What is God inviting you to do? release from anger/anxiety/depression, from fears in the world, loving on others, remember why I came to Stanford and what I want to do with my degrees

night thoughts

hi hums :0

Unfortunately I don't happen to know if you are, but I'm really into getting (and I guess writing) emails and letters haha. So here's one. You don't have to reply of course. :0
I'm listening to a song about being with someone in the moonlight and it eases into a line about falling through the sky to find it. I don't know what "it" is exactly. But tonight I was walking home with two sisters (our new accountability group!) and one of them (Jessica) pointed upwards to Orion's Belt. Stars have always seemed so arbitrary to me, but isn't it amazing that they're in fact so orderly from our perspective? As children when we learned about planetary motion and the contributions of the great astronomers, they showed us all these constellations and I thought these were so forced or labeled for convenience' sake. What's so special about three stars that look like they stay near each other over time?
I still don't fully understand. But there's something beautiful about that constancy. Suddenly a dark blue sky scattered with stars includes pattern and reliability. Maybe God splattered them around like a bunch of confetti (in which case He is the greatest of trolls) but there's so much to it. How far away they are, how warm they are (but not as large and warm as you), and how tiny we are (but not you).
Back to "falling through." Have you ever looked into the flicker of a candle flame or a bonfire? Falling can be a calm experience, definitely on the peaceful side of the dichotomy between falling through the gaze up towards a night sky and the violent falling of a roller coaster cart. I think the former is my favorite way of enjoying things. Really focusing on it and letting all else fade away, knowing there's no immediate reason to leave or redirect my attention. It's a timelessness that transcends worry or fear or misunderstanding. It brings courage, steadfastness, and contentment.
I want to tell you that in this place of focus and peace, when God tells us that we're coheirs with Christ, children of the King of kings, there's a strong feeling and knowing of our royalty, neither prideful nor unwanted. We are free in life and conquerers of anything that tries to defeat us because we are on His side and He is at our side.

I hope you are sleeping well.

Love always,
Kejing

from The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

"I'm not sure that I've got the exact point you are trying to make," said the Ghost.
"I am not trying to make any point," said the Spirit. "I am telling you to repent and believe."

"You cannot love a fellow-creature fully till you love God."

"... I know it has a grand sound to say ye'll accept no salvation which leaves even one creature in the dark outside. But watch that sophistry or ye'll make a Dog in a Manger the tyrant of the universe." 

"... but we will not call blue yellow to please those who insist on still having jaundice, nor make a midden of the world's garden for the sake of some who cannot abide the smell of roses."

"And yet all loneliness, angers, hatreds, envies and itchings that it contains, if rolled into one single experience and put into the scale against the least moment of the joy that is felt by the least in Heaven, would have no weight that could be registered at all. Bad cannot succeed even in being bad as truly as good is good. If all Hell's miseries together entered the consciousness of yon wee yellow bird on the bough there, they would be swallowed up without trace, as if one drop of ink had been dropped into that Great Ocean to which your terrestrial Pacific itself is only a molecule."
"I see," said I at last. "She couldn't fit into Hell."

He nodded. "There's not room for her," he said. "Hell could not open its mouth wide enough." 

Between Places

The moment between moving is often one of a special type of clarity. During each of these transitions, whether with family moving to new continents or alone across states, the feelings are similar.  It's when my mind lives in both places. I can look back and think about its lessons and experiences, and look forward to the awaiting stories. It's not ennui. But it's rather a more positive feeling, pausing between rushes of time. It hints at hope and some quiet excitement. It's wakes me up a bit.
And then I pack my bags and leave for the new place, settling into the new and leaving much of the old. (Of course this implies some psychological confusion while moving in and out of Ithaca amongst different places.)

This makes me wonder how fantastic it will be to finally go home, though hopefully not for many decades.


Listening: Like Incense/Sometimes by Step - Hillsong Live