The blog continues!

This blog has moved to www.brainybaththoughts.com. Thank you for your many years reading here. See you on the other side. 💖

What are three things you are passionate about?

1. Loving people more than being loved 

2. Deep expression of thought, such as using music and handwritten notes 

3. Understanding the “why”

The Last Supper

John 13:1-17; Matthew 26:17-35

Reflection 🤯
These passages include multiple instances when Jesus knows what will happen in the future. The Bible shows us that this is no surprise; God’s omniscience transcends the constraints of linear time. From Psalm 139, God knows our words before we speak. From 2 Peter 3 “with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day” (though according to Wikipedia most biblical scholars have concluded that Peter is not the author, thereby considering the epistle pseudepigraphical). From 1 Chronicles 28, God understands every desire and every thought. (For a visual representation of God in relation to linear time, see Figure 11.1 from Wayne Grudem’s Systematic Theology, Chapter 11: God’s Incommunicable Attributes - How is God Different from Us?)

I feel deeply somber and amazed that this — God’s ability to simultaneously see all points in time — must mean that Jesus knew all along that Peter would deny knowing Him, that Judas would betray Him, and that the pain and reality of an excruciating crucifixion was real and imminent.

Personally, I will never have omniscience (it is an incommunicable attribute of God, after all! — thank you Grudem) but I am getting a glimpse of this ability via prediction: the much lesser, younger cousin of omniscience. The more wise I become, the more I can predict or anticipate what people will do next — including when and how they will disappoint or hurt others. I hope to remain loving regardless of what they will do.

Additionally, my human experience is that I am denying God all the time. I will be repenting because I have sworn to place God first above everything else. As C.S. Lewis adeptly puts in The Four Loves, ‘When God arrives (and only then) the half-gods can remain.’

This reflection wouldn’t be complete without addressing the ultimate denial of God: the permanent, conscious decision to not be with God. Judas knows that Jesus is real yet chooses to deny Him forever. This reminds me of Carl Jung, a famous psychiatrist, who also became conscious of the spiritual world throughout his life. In his autobiography Memories, Dreams, Reflections, Jung has a vision of the wedding supper of the lamb (something I have experienced too). He later reaches a deep understanding — and perhaps appreciation — of God’s love. Jung says, “I sometimes feel that Paul’s words - ‘Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love’ - might well be the first condition of all cognition and the quintessence of divinity itself.” Unfortunately, at the end of his life, Jung gives in to the demon within him. “There was a daimon in me, and in the end its presence proved decisive. It overpowered me, and if I was at times ruthless it was because I was in the grip of the daimon.” Despite encountering God in their lives (for Judas, in the flesh and for Jung, through spiritual experiences), these men ultimately chose to not go to Heaven and to ostensibly go to Hell. My heart hurts thinking about this; these are decisions that impacted eternity. Are these men now in Hell, having gotten what they wanted — the rejection of God?

Failures

Online, we often post about their accomplishments. Nothing wrong with that.

Because most or all of us fail too, and perhaps in a stubborn stance against pride and envy, here are some of my failures. This is definitely not an exhaustive list.

• Juggling of any sort
• Cartwheels, handstands
• Rejections from hundreds of applications, almost everything I've ever applied for
• Undergrad at Columbia, Princeton, MIT, the President's Scholars Program at Georgia Tech, clubs on campus
• PhD at MIT
• Jobs at Blackstone, Citadel, Facebook, Google, Goldman, McKinsey, WeWork, WGSN, and many more of all industries and sizes. I have a huge failure rate with job applications; it's probably close to 99%.
• How I treated my little brother when he was going up. I often lost patience with him.
• Saying hurtful things about or to people. I've made terrible mistakes with my words and thoughts.
• Failed dating relationships
• The many times I tried to run only to find that I was still injured and/or breathless
• Dropping and breaking my phone
• Wearing the wrong clothes for the weather
• Being awkward at a networking event and not knowing what to say or do
• Running late
• Not fitting into my clothes
• Losing a piano competition 
• Losing all tennis matches
• Bombing a big test
• Learning French

Clothes, Shoes, and Other Things

Why
I have the honour of being asked, every now and then, where I buy my cool clothing! I never have a satisfying answer. "Nowhere in particular, really."

How
Before and during shopping, the key is making sure everything fits my personal style. My style sounds like this:

• High quality (e.g. will not break after a few washes)
• Rarely ever any neons or bright colours or patterns
• Lean towards light neutrals like whites or greys or pinks or whites, sometimes red to accent a white -- because the colours should be easy on the eyes. If wearing a lot of the same colour (e.g. NYC loves black), mix up the textures. Androgynous colour palettes (black, white, green/blue/brown over pink/purple, but that doesn't mean pink/purple are not okay). Black/white/navy and neutral-toned shoes for work (and a bit of maroon or other serious colours are okay). If the exact shade of the colour is not quite right, avoid.
• Some floral patterns but I am picky about which flowers are okay. Patterns should not be too uniform or too large or too bold. 
• Interesting textures/stitching/fabric. Some see-through. 
• Nothing preppy or tacky. Sometimes a bit boho or hipster but not mainstream hipster. 
• High-waisted over others. V-neck over others. 
• Avoid logos. Avoid words unless I like the words (e.g. The Laundry Room -- "Mermaid Off Duty" and "Come sit with us.") 
• Avoid trends

Things that don't fit this style feel strange on me. A few (less than 3) of my clothing items (e.g. Alice + Olivia) do not fit this personal style. I feel a bit stressed thinking about and looking at these items and need to find a way to let go of them.
Below is an inventory of where I shopped for all my clothes, shoes, plus a few other things in my studio. Some are stores with more than one brand (e.g. Zappos). For those, I listed the store rather than the brand, because this is more about the "how" behind the discovery. If helpful, I added the brand in parentheses.
I collected these things slowly over about 10 years. I only keep what I love. The total number is small. I rarely buy clothes or shoes these days because I have everything I need.

Today
If shopping today, I would probably go to East Village Vintage Collective and maybe Beacon's Closet. I would look for something relatively low-cost. I prefer older clothing before the era of fast fashion and unique cuts that are difficult to find today. And it seems more sustainable (from an environmental standpoint) to buy secondhand.
I would love to go back to Thanx God I'm a V.I.P.

Tips

• Rouge might be too packed to go in person in Paris, so online is better once you know your size.
• In-person over online. Much more efficient. (e.g. The RealReal in SoHo)
• You don't have to worry about how the clothing/furniture/etc. will fit with the rest of your things as long as you abide by your personal style. Then, everything will fit together.
• If you're not sure, ask yourself 1) if it fits your style and 2) if it flatters you.
• Some clothing doesn't flatter anyone. Some clothing will never flatter you no matter what your body type is. (e.g. Spaghetti strap dresses look like aprons on me.)
• Touch the fabric and think about how it makes you feel.
• Be picky. Usually walk into a store and walk out with nothing.

::: Inventory :::

Sunglasses
Chloe
Oliver Peoples

Gloves
Anthropologie

Scarves
Thanx God I'm a V.I.P., vintage store in Paris

Swimsuits
Nastygal

Hats
Amazon.com
Free from work

Socks/Underwear
Amazon
Costco
Victoria's Secret

Tops
Brandy Melville
Club Monaco
Equinox
Free People
Lululemon
The Laundry Room
Saks OFF 5th
Stanford

Sweaters
Club Monaco
Rag & Bone

Kimono
EPISODE, vintage store in Paris

Blazers
BCBMAXAZRIA

Jackets
Burberry
eBay
Free People
Mackage
Nike
Urban Outfitters

Shorts
Brandy Melville
Cornell
Equinox
Stanford

Skirts
East Village Vintage Collective
Thanx God I'm a V.I.P., vintage store in Paris
vintage store in San Francisco

Pants
Beacon's Closet
Diesel
Lucky Brand
The RealReal, SoHo
Zara

Dresses
Alice + Olivia
Reiss
Romwe
Rouje, was temporarily in SoHo, is still in Paris
Urban Outfitters, Birmingham UK

Shoes
Bloomingdale's
Chloe
Cole Haan
Gucci
Havanas
Zappos (Brooks, Birkenstock)

Furniture or Household items
Anthropologie
Olde Good Things
Wayfair
West Elm for bedding, not furniture

Christmas Letter

somewhere in New Jersey
mid-December 2018

This afternoon, 8 coworkers and I drove to a Veterans’ hospital. Never before had I driven by so many handicap parking spaces nor had I
been in the same room as so many wheelchairs. I don’t know how to say this properly but most people, both employees and patients,
looked rather sad and tired. We swiftly set out tons of gift bags (picking out the perfume and candy because alcoholic and sugary gifts
were prohibited) and set up two tables-full of food and drinks. I played classical piano (Chopin, Liszt, Debussy, etc.) while my coworkers
MCed and handed out desserts.
There was not much Christmas spirit in the room; everyone was literally dying, the odd holiday chorus was disgruntled when they
weren’t performing and smug when they were. Someone in a wheelchair kept yelling “cheesecake” when no one would bring him a slice
because, as a tired nurse gently explained to him, it would probably kill him.
We did our best to say “thank you for your service” through our actions. At least we were doing what we could. At least we were there.
At least we were doing the right thing.
That’s how I often felt the past few years — hacking together what I thought might possibly be the right thing to do in new situations. I
stumbled around and moved apartments every few months, and changed jobs and industries seemingly all the time. After graduating
from Cornell in 2014, I started a PhD program at Stanford. The work was easy enough, the place was immaculate and comfortable, and
this oddly became the perfect set-up for OCD and depression. I looked up plane tickets to Denmark (famous for their legal assisted
suicide), obsessively imagined my significant other being disloyal to the point where I couldn’t leave my apartment to go to meetings,
and lost a lot of weight. Sometimes I cried despite trying to put on a strong face. My boyfriend at the time was verbally and emotionally
abusive, one night bashing his hand on the bed headboard, dripping blood all over the sheets, showing his brightly reddened knuckles
to me, and screaming, “look what you did” after I had only gently tapped his shoulder to tell him that I felt down one night. We got
engaged, moved to the Upper West Side and then to Columbus Circle, and I started unraveling what “abuse” really meant. I learned that
abusers are generally emotionally stable and healthy, fully aware of their actions despite claiming to have “forgotten” themselves.
Contrary to our expectations, abusers exert an enormous amount of power over their partners and are in complete control of their
actions. Learning this, I ran away in late February this year, a little sad to leave the beautiful little apartment that I had decorated as a
permanent home, and glad to leave my engagement ring in the closet jewelry drawer and never look back.
The next morning, I donned a down jacket and walked freely in the sunlight to the grocery store. In that moment, I felt fully content and
fully safe. Except that I had become an official New Jersey resident (I know!).
Every time you and I thought this year was too hard, we arrived to cheer each other on and help each other rediscover what it means to
live a full life. Together, we went to Rosemary Beach for its white sands and master-planned layout, played a 4 vs. 4 battleship-like war
simulation game with a lot of yelling, visited the Brooklyn Zoo to (guiltily) look at caged snakes and bears and furry mice, realized our
parents favored our little siblings, won a 5-hour cybersecurity competition, drank extremely briefly at NYC Santacon and said no to
cocaine in a public bathroom, presented to and shook hands with CEOs, the head of the IMF, and a former US Secretary of Homeland
Security, asked everyone how far they got on Pokemon Let’s Go Pikachu!, brewed over existential problems while drinking mulled wine,
gathered concrete evidence that revealed one our best friends to be a psychopath, learned about the reality of micropenises, read
Becoming to get inspiration from Michelle Obama, and stood through an awful DJ set in Brooklyn with admittedly entertaining videos of
deep sea anenomes.
Meanwhile, a former coworker finally transitioned to the gender she was born to be, a former classmate quit the prestigious PhD
program that was making him sad, a high school brother lost 20 pounds and hit the gym, a grad school classmate ran multiple
marathons in multiple countries and managed to barely even brag about it, and a childhood friend somehow performed in an official
Studio Ghibli orchestra in Los Angeles. Others bravely waded through anxiety, OCD, narcissism, depression, loneliness, abusive
significant others, the loss of best friends, and the loss of who they used to be.

I am thankful for what we have conquered and hopeful that we will do even more as long as we have each others’ friendship.
Please stay in touch — even if you simply need something.
Love always.

It’s good to be loved; it’s profound to be understood. Portia de Rossi
Unable are the Loved to die / For Love is Immortality... Emily Dickinson
It can destroy an individual, or it can fulfill him, depending on a good deal of luck. No one should come to New York to live unless he is willing to be
lucky. E.B. White
Grace is something you can never get but can only be given. There’s no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about any more than you can deserve the
taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks. A good night’s sleep is grace and so are good dreams. Most tears are grace. The smell of rain is grace.
Somebody loving you is grace. Frederick Buechner
There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his
heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the
Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach. J.R.R. Tolkien

Sea of Love by Cat Power (Cover)

shopping

One of my best friends wrote this. I'm so amazed by her courage. -kj

==============================

Tonight, a really good friend helped me get over a really big hurdle: I went shopping for clothes I wanted. I went into the women's dressing room, I tried them on, and I purchased them, with money.

The guy running the dressing room makes sure twice that I know they are women's garments before he lets me proceed. I somehow manage to look him in the eye, say something along the lines of "you just counted four articles of women's clothing, and then you're like, are you sure?" He seems a bit taken aback. (I am, as usual, disheveled, nervous, sweating bullets, thoroughly unladylike. I regret my manner and tone.)

When I exit the dressing room, the gentleman apologizes for his discourtesy.

Only two of the tops fit.

---

Being transgender is easy.

It's a truth, a state of being. I can't change it. Actually -doing- things that conform to my gender identity is indescribably difficult. It is a crushing social anxiety. It's the manifestation of a struggle to come to terms with emotions and feelings that I have spent every moment of my life swallowing as shame and self-loathing.

Never talk about it. Laugh it off. Be the center of attention. Be a wallflower. Do anything to fit in. Seclude yourself. Give yourself sensory overload. Learn everything. Try, try anything, to feel nothing. 

Nothing is easy.

---

Later, after having parted ways, waiting for a train home, I get a message from said friend saying that she's proud of me.

And I realize, shit, I'm proud of me too. I looked (and probably smelled) like rotten hell and put on at least an air of confidence, then accomplished a goal. And I did it with a five o' clock shadow.

The further and further I go, the more and more I realize that it's these little acts of confidence that are, in reality, much larger acts of defiance, against an externality that is, for want of a better term, oppressive. But the trick is that external oppression isn't directed, it's systemic. And systems change all the time; so too then do the people that don't even realize they're acting in one.

Until you do, at which point it's probably in your best interest to stop waiting.

Update on those goals I set and forgot about

Learn how to DJ: my place has a DJ controller now. definitely learned a few basics, but need tons more practice. I realized that I really enjoy psytrance. 
Upload some YouTube videos: I made one YouTube video. 
Learn more about what kind of job I should have after grad school: this one is still greatly confusing. I took a break from my PhD to job search so there's a lot more pressure now. I want to do something creative as a job, but I want a stable income so maybe still something engineering-related and then creative work on the side? Otherwise it'll be even harder to get my foot in the door. 
Reconnect with close friends: this has happened a bit! Partially by design because of the move this summer. 
Regain control of my worries: better than the past two years for sure, but still difficult. The days when I either work out or spend a lot of time learning something difficult are the best days. 
Get more muscular??? (like lean): I joined an incredible gym and am working on this. My strength and weight have increased, with muscles slightly changing. Probably need to accompany this with a more protein-based diet and more food overall. 

What it was like when someone yelled

I think both of us were pretty down and because of that, pretty alone. I think that happens sometimes, especially when you're tired and frustrated.

I started crying this evening, you know when the pain kind of erupts and your body has to get it out and you keep going simply because you're sad and afraid.

Tonight the other person in the room was probably afraid and hurt as well. Then he told me that I don't have a good reason to be crying and that I need to get over it and control it, as if I needed to apologize for feeling sad. He made me explain why I was crying by asking loudly multiple times. I gave in and succinctly gave three reasons which only affirmed that it was perfectly reasonable to be crying. 

He said angrily, "What's so bad about your life that you need to be crying," and demanded that I assert more "agency" over these emotions.

Tonight I lost my intentions to be patient with him and started becoming apathetic towards his hurt. 

The conversations like this always end in two ways: I leave the room or calmly explain the situation. When I leave I wish I could run away. When I explain the situation it's almost like being a detective; at least this requires more objective and outwardly thinking.

I never apologized for crying. I don't think anyone should feel the need to apologize for the emotions that arise, whatever those emotions may be. I think in general we can control our second or third thoughts and sometimes should apologize for those, but not our first. 

I believe that when you're feeling down, the people who care about you can tell you that you have done things wrong. At the same time, they should always be kind. 

We never have to feel ashamed to feel.