Update

Decided to be more real on here. Maybe relay some stories from my journals that have happened in the past few years because clearly the internet needs more drama. Seriously though, I don’t want to keep posting feel-good photos of cities and fashion in places and not take advantage of the fact that I can be additionally be honest about life’s confusions and hardships as well. 

I plan to use the word “I” without worrying that other people will think it’s too much self-reflection.

When I read about other people’s experiences it helps a lot. Whenever I do that here, I hope it helps you remember that you’re not alone -- a fact that is never too old a reminder.

3/26/2014

It'll be easy, no one said.

Things I want to do next

Learn how to DJ
Upload some YouTube videos
Learn more about what kind of job I should have after grad school
Reconnect with close friends
Regain control of my worries
Get more muscular??? (like lean)

I think there's more. I'll update this later.

Thank you girls.

I was talking to my friend Olivia and I started reflecting upon my closest girl friends since she asked me who they were. I realized that these girls are so wonderfully strong. From talking to people the past few years I've noticed that my guy friends are very good at compartmentalizing their thoughts when they feel down, while the girls often think about "a million things" at once. As a general statement, if a million things are bothering my girl friends, it's hard for them to simply shut things off or focus on something else. Knowing this shows me that these girls are so strong. They can keep smiling and keep loving others despite all the things trying to bring them down. I'm glad they are in my life.

No Quitting

If there ever was a time when I spent the whole day just adoring God and everything else faded away in comparison, I want to be in that place.
If there ever was an hour when nothing could bring me down into a dark place because God's light was blindingly bright, I want to be there.

The past two years have undermined any notion that I had life in control. In the midst of darkness -- depression, anxiety... exhaustion -- I'm so tempted to dwell on the worst of memories and the worst of my imagination, and to trust no one.
I'm physically sick right now, but it doesn't seem so bad compared to the emotions: fear, jealousy, pride, clouds of confusion and distance, and probably more that I can't recall right now. I cry because of these feelings; I'm afraid because I feel like this will not pass. Every time I think I've fought off the pain it comes back to haunt me with intensity. Jealousy because I think everyone is giving attention to anyone but me. Pride because I absolutely love to dress up and pretend everything is good and I've got it all together. Clouds because I just want to hide in my room and cry because I can't figure out what is true; the lies are so loud that I can't focus on the present or anything around me.

But these feelings are just lies, completely powerless compared to Him who lives inside of us. Even though I've lost hope, joy, and physical weight, the score hasn't changed because I have not lost my God. I'm going to keep fighting and I'm going to stay alive.

:::

April 2012: About noon or a bit after today I was watching over Michelle [last names removed] who had been / was manifest by the Holy Spirit and on the floor. Eventually I went to get a quick prayer from David. Then I felt something tingling. Sat back by Michelle. Then I started jolting a lot, in my arms & fingers, and my chest and legs. And I suppose speaking in tongues, though not too long earlier when I was praying for John I started to do so a little bit without really knowing if I was. Anyway I have jolted a lot today. So that has been interesting. But more importantly as I sat on the floor I cried when I realized that God had answered my prayers, so much, so many times, that HE would reveal Himself to me. And it was the first time I believed that Heaven is real. It was so unbelievably good; my mind can't comprehend its goodness. JESUS!

June 2013: You, my child, serve Me. You will never be alone, and not even death can change that. The grace I've given you will not run dry. You are separated from your sins and you'll never have to fear.

October 2014: What is God inviting you to do? release from anger/anxiety/depression, from fears in the world, loving on others, remember why I came to Stanford and what I want to do with my degrees

night thoughts

hi hums :0

Unfortunately I don't happen to know if you are, but I'm really into getting (and I guess writing) emails and letters haha. So here's one. You don't have to reply of course. :0
I'm listening to a song about being with someone in the moonlight and it eases into a line about falling through the sky to find it. I don't know what "it" is exactly. But tonight I was walking home with two sisters (our new accountability group!) and one of them (Jessica) pointed upwards to Orion's Belt. Stars have always seemed so arbitrary to me, but isn't it amazing that they're in fact so orderly from our perspective? As children when we learned about planetary motion and the contributions of the great astronomers, they showed us all these constellations and I thought these were so forced or labeled for convenience' sake. What's so special about three stars that look like they stay near each other over time?
I still don't fully understand. But there's something beautiful about that constancy. Suddenly a dark blue sky scattered with stars includes pattern and reliability. Maybe God splattered them around like a bunch of confetti (in which case He is the greatest of trolls) but there's so much to it. How far away they are, how warm they are (but not as large and warm as you), and how tiny we are (but not you).
Back to "falling through." Have you ever looked into the flicker of a candle flame or a bonfire? Falling can be a calm experience, definitely on the peaceful side of the dichotomy between falling through the gaze up towards a night sky and the violent falling of a roller coaster cart. I think the former is my favorite way of enjoying things. Really focusing on it and letting all else fade away, knowing there's no immediate reason to leave or redirect my attention. It's a timelessness that transcends worry or fear or misunderstanding. It brings courage, steadfastness, and contentment.
I want to tell you that in this place of focus and peace, when God tells us that we're coheirs with Christ, children of the King of kings, there's a strong feeling and knowing of our royalty, neither prideful nor unwanted. We are free in life and conquerers of anything that tries to defeat us because we are on His side and He is at our side.

I hope you are sleeping well.

Love always,
Kejing

from The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

"I'm not sure that I've got the exact point you are trying to make," said the Ghost.
"I am not trying to make any point," said the Spirit. "I am telling you to repent and believe."

"You cannot love a fellow-creature fully till you love God."

"... I know it has a grand sound to say ye'll accept no salvation which leaves even one creature in the dark outside. But watch that sophistry or ye'll make a Dog in a Manger the tyrant of the universe." 

"... but we will not call blue yellow to please those who insist on still having jaundice, nor make a midden of the world's garden for the sake of some who cannot abide the smell of roses."

"And yet all loneliness, angers, hatreds, envies and itchings that it contains, if rolled into one single experience and put into the scale against the least moment of the joy that is felt by the least in Heaven, would have no weight that could be registered at all. Bad cannot succeed even in being bad as truly as good is good. If all Hell's miseries together entered the consciousness of yon wee yellow bird on the bough there, they would be swallowed up without trace, as if one drop of ink had been dropped into that Great Ocean to which your terrestrial Pacific itself is only a molecule."
"I see," said I at last. "She couldn't fit into Hell."

He nodded. "There's not room for her," he said. "Hell could not open its mouth wide enough." 

Between Places

The moment between moving is often one of a special type of clarity. During each of these transitions, whether with family moving to new continents or alone across states, the feelings are similar.  It's when my mind lives in both places. I can look back and think about its lessons and experiences, and look forward to the awaiting stories. It's not ennui. But it's rather a more positive feeling, pausing between rushes of time. It hints at hope and some quiet excitement. It's wakes me up a bit.
And then I pack my bags and leave for the new place, settling into the new and leaving much of the old. (Of course this implies some psychological confusion while moving in and out of Ithaca amongst different places.)

This makes me wonder how fantastic it will be to finally go home, though hopefully not for many decades.


Listening: Like Incense/Sometimes by Step - Hillsong Live

2013.04.13

The moments that have us question our existence, purpose, motivation, our entire path… are sometimes chaotic, subtle, quiet storms. In their midst, we hold devotedly to the thin string of truth that we know. For Christians, that string is Jesus.

Jesus has been on my mind more than usual this week. I pledged to spend an hour with Him each day. It's been an inevitable failure at times, but since Sunday, I have definitely settled down, stopped other activities, and spoken to Him.

One part of speaking to Him is the action of giving Him my thoughts, worries, burdens. To release all of these to Him, to relieve oneself of them, is of course never-ending. But I find that writing these thoughts down can really help. I can put them somewhere tangible and would lie to myself if I were really going to read them again. But if a small part of me wants to remember and not let go, I can be free to think about something new, and be assured that the memory is available if I want it.

So I seek to read and write, as a sort of release but also as a form of communicative practice. You might joke that the kids in my college don't know how to read or write but there's truth in that. Many of us actually avoid the courses that will expect essays and real hefty reading.

There is one image that has been replaying every few days: A friend and I were turning the corner onto Dryden, just passing Dunbar's. A few groups of drunk people were also walking nearby at varying speeds. A few girls were walking in front of us, and a few guys were a bit slower. To my left and slightly front, a guy suddenly lurched forward, almost tripping over his own feet. His body had just bent forward as we passed, and I glanced at him briefly. In that moment, the momentum swung his necklace forward. It was a silver cross.

I wish I knew where this guy was right now, so I could walk out of the house, jog through the tap tap of rain sprinkles, desperately tell him that no matter what he's done or what he will do, God is absolutely in love with him (and then leave). Or maybe he knows this already, far better than I do.

But isn't it easy to forget? No matter the rush of thoughts that we experience daily, or the blankness from exhaustion as we stride slowly and homewards, how can this love be as real to us as a burning memory?

Sometimes when I do a problem set, I use concepts that require derivations. I can't always recall the derivations and keep them at the forefront of my mind as I use the concepts. Sometimes this really bothers me because I want my mind to grasp everything at once. Analogously, the truth of Jesus's resurrection and the atonement of our sins has repeatedly been proven and confirmed through God's Spirit, yet I can't at all remember, recall or know all the reasons why this is so. I need to trust that the derivation is correct, that it's of course transforming but the result is an immovable, unchanging good news... the same yesterday, today and forever.

This semester's good fun, highly abridged

• talking to a new brother in Christ about how radically He is changing our lives
• speaking to parents on the phone
• Obama quoting 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 as he spoke to Newtown
• starting a weekly prayer meeting at work
• hearing about prayer for revival on campus
• the civil engineering firm
• surveying such majestic beauty in DC
• God inventing ice skating, Bon Chon, and mochi ice cream and letting us have at it all in one evening
• Tufts Med School accepting a brother so quickly
• really good Mexican food
• meeting a middle school student who was ridiculously frightened at starting school in America, spending five evenings a week with him, watching him learn, and leaving knowing that he is going to be absolutely fine next semester
• looking forward to running and tennis all of winter break, playing in the sun
• hearing from an old friend's little sister that my brother got a 1st place math trophy
• going to a sermon entirely about God's love
• watching Lost in Translation
• visiting school for a weekend
• talking on the phone about God and civil engineering for quite a long time
• marveling at Boston's night skyline from the top of a high school roof, for work (though it was so cold)
• spending much of a day emailing friends, telling them how precious and loved they are
• when a Korean mom made us breakfast for a few days
• a supervisor who firmly believes in self-sacrifice
• smiling at strangers or telling them when the bus is going to come or that it has just arrived around the corner so they can sprint over (hopefully) in time
• listening to hipster worship music at church
• really comfortable Clarks heels
• listening to Francis Chan's sermon, The Biggest Lie In Your Life, and this before going to sleep
• having a cell phone that can check email and take pictures and everything
• Google making a maps app
• the T
• finding that our alumni really are everywhere and eager to help
• experiencing a power outage at P&G/Gillette (which wasn't exactly fun but I did wonder what the robots that drive themselves would do if they had to stop)
• feeling so small in Boston's beautiful business district
• trying out the cutest, most economical little sushi shop
• a Yale a capella concert in which they bashed Harvard
• visiting the Museum of Fine Arts
• spending Fall Break basically just eating food with friends, so much that we only went to important landmarks in order to find more food
• getting to thank God in all of these moments and falling deeper in love with Him every day