Christmas Letter

somewhere in New Jersey
mid-December 2018

This afternoon, 8 coworkers and I drove to a Veterans’ hospital. Never before had I driven by so many handicap parking spaces nor had I
been in the same room as so many wheelchairs. I don’t know how to say this properly but most people, both employees and patients,
looked rather sad and tired. We swiftly set out tons of gift bags (picking out the perfume and candy because alcoholic and sugary gifts
were prohibited) and set up two tables-full of food and drinks. I played classical piano (Chopin, Liszt, Debussy, etc.) while my coworkers
MCed and handed out desserts.
There was not much Christmas spirit in the room; everyone was literally dying, the odd holiday chorus was disgruntled when they
weren’t performing and smug when they were. Someone in a wheelchair kept yelling “cheesecake” when no one would bring him a slice
because, as a tired nurse gently explained to him, it would probably kill him.
We did our best to say “thank you for your service” through our actions. At least we were doing what we could. At least we were there.
At least we were doing the right thing.
That’s how I often felt the past few years — hacking together what I thought might possibly be the right thing to do in new situations. I
stumbled around and moved apartments every few months, and changed jobs and industries seemingly all the time. After graduating
from Cornell in 2014, I started a PhD program at Stanford. The work was easy enough, the place was immaculate and comfortable, and
this oddly became the perfect set-up for OCD and depression. I looked up plane tickets to Denmark (famous for their legal assisted
suicide), obsessively imagined my significant other being disloyal to the point where I couldn’t leave my apartment to go to meetings,
and lost a lot of weight. Sometimes I cried despite trying to put on a strong face. My boyfriend at the time was verbally and emotionally
abusive, one night bashing his hand on the bed headboard, dripping blood all over the sheets, showing his brightly reddened knuckles
to me, and screaming, “look what you did” after I had only gently tapped his shoulder to tell him that I felt down one night. We got
engaged, moved to the Upper West Side and then to Columbus Circle, and I started unraveling what “abuse” really meant. I learned that
abusers are generally emotionally stable and healthy, fully aware of their actions despite claiming to have “forgotten” themselves.
Contrary to our expectations, abusers exert an enormous amount of power over their partners and are in complete control of their
actions. Learning this, I ran away in late February this year, a little sad to leave the beautiful little apartment that I had decorated as a
permanent home, and glad to leave my engagement ring in the closet jewelry drawer and never look back.
The next morning, I donned a down jacket and walked freely in the sunlight to the grocery store. In that moment, I felt fully content and
fully safe. Except that I had become an official New Jersey resident (I know!).
Every time you and I thought this year was too hard, we arrived to cheer each other on and help each other rediscover what it means to
live a full life. Together, we went to Rosemary Beach for its white sands and master-planned layout, played a 4 vs. 4 battleship-like war
simulation game with a lot of yelling, visited the Brooklyn Zoo to (guiltily) look at caged snakes and bears and furry mice, realized our
parents favored our little siblings, won a 5-hour cybersecurity competition, drank extremely briefly at NYC Santacon and said no to
cocaine in a public bathroom, presented to and shook hands with CEOs, the head of the IMF, and a former US Secretary of Homeland
Security, asked everyone how far they got on Pokemon Let’s Go Pikachu!, brewed over existential problems while drinking mulled wine,
gathered concrete evidence that revealed one our best friends to be a psychopath, learned about the reality of micropenises, read
Becoming to get inspiration from Michelle Obama, and stood through an awful DJ set in Brooklyn with admittedly entertaining videos of
deep sea anenomes.
Meanwhile, a former coworker finally transitioned to the gender she was born to be, a former classmate quit the prestigious PhD
program that was making him sad, a high school brother lost 20 pounds and hit the gym, a grad school classmate ran multiple
marathons in multiple countries and managed to barely even brag about it, and a childhood friend somehow performed in an official
Studio Ghibli orchestra in Los Angeles. Others bravely waded through anxiety, OCD, narcissism, depression, loneliness, abusive
significant others, the loss of best friends, and the loss of who they used to be.

I am thankful for what we have conquered and hopeful that we will do even more as long as we have each others’ friendship.
Please stay in touch — even if you simply need something.
Love always.

It’s good to be loved; it’s profound to be understood. Portia de Rossi
Unable are the Loved to die / For Love is Immortality... Emily Dickinson
It can destroy an individual, or it can fulfill him, depending on a good deal of luck. No one should come to New York to live unless he is willing to be
lucky. E.B. White
Grace is something you can never get but can only be given. There’s no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about any more than you can deserve the
taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks. A good night’s sleep is grace and so are good dreams. Most tears are grace. The smell of rain is grace.
Somebody loving you is grace. Frederick Buechner
There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his
heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the
Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach. J.R.R. Tolkien

Sea of Love by Cat Power (Cover)

shopping

One of my best friends wrote this. I'm so amazed by her courage. -kj

==============================

Tonight, a really good friend helped me get over a really big hurdle: I went shopping for clothes I wanted. I went into the women's dressing room, I tried them on, and I purchased them, with money.

The guy running the dressing room makes sure twice that I know they are women's garments before he lets me proceed. I somehow manage to look him in the eye, say something along the lines of "you just counted four articles of women's clothing, and then you're like, are you sure?" He seems a bit taken aback. (I am, as usual, disheveled, nervous, sweating bullets, thoroughly unladylike. I regret my manner and tone.)

When I exit the dressing room, the gentleman apologizes for his discourtesy.

Only two of the tops fit.

---

Being transgender is easy.

It's a truth, a state of being. I can't change it. Actually -doing- things that conform to my gender identity is indescribably difficult. It is a crushing social anxiety. It's the manifestation of a struggle to come to terms with emotions and feelings that I have spent every moment of my life swallowing as shame and self-loathing.

Never talk about it. Laugh it off. Be the center of attention. Be a wallflower. Do anything to fit in. Seclude yourself. Give yourself sensory overload. Learn everything. Try, try anything, to feel nothing. 

Nothing is easy.

---

Later, after having parted ways, waiting for a train home, I get a message from said friend saying that she's proud of me.

And I realize, shit, I'm proud of me too. I looked (and probably smelled) like rotten hell and put on at least an air of confidence, then accomplished a goal. And I did it with a five o' clock shadow.

The further and further I go, the more and more I realize that it's these little acts of confidence that are, in reality, much larger acts of defiance, against an externality that is, for want of a better term, oppressive. But the trick is that external oppression isn't directed, it's systemic. And systems change all the time; so too then do the people that don't even realize they're acting in one.

Until you do, at which point it's probably in your best interest to stop waiting.

Update on those goals I set and forgot about

Learn how to DJ: my place has a DJ controller now. definitely learned a few basics, but need tons more practice. I realized that I really enjoy psytrance. 
Upload some YouTube videos: I made one YouTube video. 
Learn more about what kind of job I should have after grad school: this one is still greatly confusing. I took a break from my PhD to job search so there's a lot more pressure now. I want to do something creative as a job, but I want a stable income so maybe still something engineering-related and then creative work on the side? Otherwise it'll be even harder to get my foot in the door. 
Reconnect with close friends: this has happened a bit! Partially by design because of the move this summer. 
Regain control of my worries: better than the past two years for sure, but still difficult. The days when I either work out or spend a lot of time learning something difficult are the best days. 
Get more muscular??? (like lean): I joined an incredible gym and am working on this. My strength and weight have increased, with muscles slightly changing. Probably need to accompany this with a more protein-based diet and more food overall. 

What it was like when someone yelled

I think both of us were pretty down and because of that, pretty alone. I think that happens sometimes, especially when you're tired and frustrated.

I started crying this evening, you know when the pain kind of erupts and your body has to get it out and you keep going simply because you're sad and afraid.

Tonight the other person in the room was probably afraid and hurt as well. Then he told me that I don't have a good reason to be crying and that I need to get over it and control it, as if I needed to apologize for feeling sad. He made me explain why I was crying by asking loudly multiple times. I gave in and succinctly gave three reasons which only affirmed that it was perfectly reasonable to be crying. 

He said angrily, "What's so bad about your life that you need to be crying," and demanded that I assert more "agency" over these emotions.

Tonight I lost my intentions to be patient with him and started becoming apathetic towards his hurt. 

The conversations like this always end in two ways: I leave the room or calmly explain the situation. When I leave I wish I could run away. When I explain the situation it's almost like being a detective; at least this requires more objective and outwardly thinking.

I never apologized for crying. I don't think anyone should feel the need to apologize for the emotions that arise, whatever those emotions may be. I think in general we can control our second or third thoughts and sometimes should apologize for those, but not our first. 

I believe that when you're feeling down, the people who care about you can tell you that you have done things wrong. At the same time, they should always be kind. 

We never have to feel ashamed to feel.

Update

Decided to be more real on here. Maybe relay some stories from my journals that have happened in the past few years because clearly the internet needs more drama. Seriously though, I don’t want to keep posting feel-good photos of cities and fashion in places and not take advantage of the fact that I can be additionally be honest about life’s confusions and hardships as well. 

I plan to use the word “I” without worrying that other people will think it’s too much self-reflection.

When I read about other people’s experiences it helps a lot. Whenever I do that here, I hope it helps you remember that you’re not alone -- a fact that is never too old a reminder.

3/26/2014

It'll be easy, no one said.

Things I want to do next

Learn how to DJ
Upload some YouTube videos
Learn more about what kind of job I should have after grad school
Reconnect with close friends
Regain control of my worries
Get more muscular??? (like lean)

I think there's more. I'll update this later.

Thank you girls.

I was talking to my friend Olivia and I started reflecting upon my closest girl friends since she asked me who they were. I realized that these girls are so wonderfully strong. From talking to people the past few years I've noticed that my guy friends are very good at compartmentalizing their thoughts when they feel down, while the girls often think about "a million things" at once. As a general statement, if a million things are bothering my girl friends, it's hard for them to simply shut things off or focus on something else. Knowing this shows me that these girls are so strong. They can keep smiling and keep loving others despite all the things trying to bring them down. I'm glad they are in my life.

No Quitting

If there ever was a time when I spent the whole day just adoring God and everything else faded away in comparison, I want to be in that place.
If there ever was an hour when nothing could bring me down into a dark place because God's light was blindingly bright, I want to be there.

The past two years have undermined any notion that I had life in control. In the midst of darkness -- depression, anxiety... exhaustion -- I'm so tempted to dwell on the worst of memories and the worst of my imagination, and to trust no one.
I'm physically sick right now, but it doesn't seem so bad compared to the emotions: fear, jealousy, pride, clouds of confusion and distance, and probably more that I can't recall right now. I cry because of these feelings; I'm afraid because I feel like this will not pass. Every time I think I've fought off the pain it comes back to haunt me with intensity. Jealousy because I think everyone is giving attention to anyone but me. Pride because I absolutely love to dress up and pretend everything is good and I've got it all together. Clouds because I just want to hide in my room and cry because I can't figure out what is true; the lies are so loud that I can't focus on the present or anything around me.

But these feelings are just lies, completely powerless compared to Him who lives inside of us. Even though I've lost hope, joy, and physical weight, the score hasn't changed because I have not lost my God. I'm going to keep fighting and I'm going to stay alive.

:::

April 2012: About noon or a bit after today I was watching over Michelle [last names removed] who had been / was manifest by the Holy Spirit and on the floor. Eventually I went to get a quick prayer from David. Then I felt something tingling. Sat back by Michelle. Then I started jolting a lot, in my arms & fingers, and my chest and legs. And I suppose speaking in tongues, though not too long earlier when I was praying for John I started to do so a little bit without really knowing if I was. Anyway I have jolted a lot today. So that has been interesting. But more importantly as I sat on the floor I cried when I realized that God had answered my prayers, so much, so many times, that HE would reveal Himself to me. And it was the first time I believed that Heaven is real. It was so unbelievably good; my mind can't comprehend its goodness. JESUS!

June 2013: You, my child, serve Me. You will never be alone, and not even death can change that. The grace I've given you will not run dry. You are separated from your sins and you'll never have to fear.

October 2014: What is God inviting you to do? release from anger/anxiety/depression, from fears in the world, loving on others, remember why I came to Stanford and what I want to do with my degrees