I know, right?

Wearing oneself away.
Ready to do that again and again? How many rounds are you going to need?
How many ya got?
Oh, a few.
-pulls out a handful-
You do actually have a lot, don't you?
I'll take one.

Make that three.

Or, now that I continue to ponder it... Give me the whole bag.

I miss you.

I remember you when I was a little girl and my mother handed me a piano book with a red apple and a red border on it.
You remind me of the time when my father and I brought about twenty books from the public library, and after dinner, I read them out loud, one by one.
I was next to you when I proudly recited the last lesson in my little Chinese book.
You were so loyal when I learned how to add and borrow numbers.
Wasn't it great when I told my mom I needed a piano to play every day for her as I looked up from half her height, and got that piano the next week?
Little Chinese girls love new dresses.
Fast forward, and I hug you with intense elation as my mom answers the phone and says, "YOU WON!" I did? I did? Is it true? Did my work pay off? REALLY? Oh joy!
And then back to the practice room. I can't stop smiling at you.
Seeing a red rose in the flower vase, I turn around and there you are, chuckling in the corner.
My first factoring problem was your best.
I miss you. Really, I do.

But I don't remember how to find you again.

Is una semana enough?

Nothing is going to make things better. Ryan told me about his new post today, and halfway through, I could feel the backs of my eyes burning hot because after a week or more, my tears were on the verge of spilling out into the open and there was so much underlying emotion in his words. Fortunately, I had my periodic table right in front of me, so I couldn't cry because it would look really bad if it were wet. Actually, it looks bad enough already.
Some things really hurt me this week, as though I was repeatedly and crudely stabbing myself in the chest.
The annual piano recital is next Sunday, but I'm going to have to call my teacher and tell her I can't go. Big deal- it's the least of my worries. Yes, I just said that about something related to the piano. Nothing, not even the one hobby your parents allow you to do, or the one fun thing they will not ban, can make you feel better after self-inflicted pain. Not the physical kind, but it's worse that way. Shouldn't we be feeling happier after this pain because of the reason why it happened? Yes, we should. But in the long run, I feel like I'm going to keep pretending everything is alright until I go jump off a cliff or something. If I were braver, then that's what I would need right now. A nice, dangerous precipice.

When You Were Young

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch him now, here he come

He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

Can we climb this mountain I don’t know
Higher now than ever before I
Know we can make it if we take it slow
Let’s take it easy, easy now, watch it go

We’re burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane that started turning
When you were young
When you were young

And sometimes you close your eyes
And see the place where you used to live
When you were young

They say the devils water it ain’t so sweet
You don’t have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch him now, here he come

He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

(Talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when) when you were young

I said he doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus

But more than you’ll ever know

Smile Like You Mean It

Save some face, you know you've only got one
Change your ways while you're young
Boy, one day you'll be a man
Oh girl, he'll help you understand
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside
We lost track of the time
Dreams aren't what they used to be
Some things sat by so carelessly

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

And someone is calling my name
From the back of the restaurant
And someone is playing a game
In the house that I grew up in
And someone will drive her around
Down the same streets that I did
On the same streets that I did

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Oh no, oh no no no
Oh no, oh no no no

Everything Will Be Alright

I believe in you and me
I'm coming to find you
If it takes me all night
Wrong until you make it
And I won't forget you
At least I'll try
And run, and run tonight
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright

I was out shopping for a doll
To say the least, I thought I've seen them all
But then you took me by surprise
I'm dreaming bout those dreamy eyes
I never knew, I never knew
So take your suitcase, cause I don't mind
And baby doll, I meant it every time
You don't need to compromise
I'm dreaming bout those dreamy eyes
I never knew, I never knew
But it's alright...

Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright

And how was your day?

Your morning was absolutely boring. Nothing interesting happened, and the same people were making the same perverted jokes. Classes came along, and you never fit into them because everyone thinks you're far above them for some reason. Working tirelessly in Stat, what is better than finishing all your work correctly and efficiently? Resting. Rambling, oh so much rambling. Lunch is going to begin in less than half an hour, but what is the point? This class is never going to end. But it does. I mean, obviously, the class ends at some point. I'm excited for you, dear. Oh, just one person is happy? What have we done to each other? We didn't do anything wrong. It was his fault. It was her fault. The whole thing was that one person's fault. Oh, yeah, same here. Shall we insert a big sigh, or hyperventilate our way through the next six minutes? The final decision: We'll run. Run away from the horrible thoughts of eternal longing. I suppose that sounded quite unnatural. No, don't listen to the teacher. Listen to your hopeless mind, struggling to sit up straightly. No one but you will remember your abominable quiz score by the end of your educational career. No, you didn't see him. Move it. Oh, why do I like someone who doesn't like me back? And he wouldn't even do a thing if he did. He'd pretend he didn't, and move away quickly. Ahh, I know how that feels. You're not the only person who feels that way. Most people do. Learning about stalkers is a fun way to pass the time. Who shall plan Caesar's death next? Not you, I should think. Chewy oatmeal chocolate chip cookies really aren't that great, but when hunger arises, anything is fine if it can fill you up a bit. Run, run, run. Sprint home to your room and cry your eyes out. The phone rings so much. Stop ringing, oh stop. I'm going to answer it now. Run. A best friend calls to ask where you are. Aren't you coming to Jazz Band rehearsal? No? German is very mad. Tell him I'll talk to him tomorrow morning. Oh, the boring, uneventfully dull morning. Tell him I'll talk to him in the morning. Sum up the courage to quit because you're never going to be any happier knowing it's there. The morning? Okay, I will. See you. Good bye.

Era increible... con un accento arriba la letra "i."

The Pensacola Junior College Regional was yesterday. Chiles got 1st in sweepstakes. Calc team, Pre-Calc team, and the Stat team also got first. Algebra II team got second place, and Geometry team got fifth place. My name was called first out of the Pre-Calc indi people ::EDIT:: almost no one heard William's ::END EDIT, and as usual, Diana had to say, "KEJING! GO UP!" because I was in absolute shock. Linda was la primera in Algebra II. I mean, of course she was. William got 2nd, Ryan got 8th, I got 9th, and we had a weird superhero pose after we got our medals and team trophy.
The entire day was relatively relaxing. Although we were exhausted, the tests weren't too difficult, we didn't expect to do well, and it was so sunny outside when we had Subway for lunch. Actually, breakfast was quite sunny too. Actually, after the test, William said, "Kejing. It was sooooo weird. There wasn't a single problem I couldn't do."
Lee County Invitational is next. We're going to miss Friday, leave at 9am, and come back Saturday night. It's going to be really interesting when we try to finish our homework on that Sunday.
So... I think I finally know who Joseph likes. Funny. ::EDIT:: Or I don't. Darn. So close. ::END EDIT::
Poor Jack. Ryan is absolutely obsessed with our sister, Ally, who is only in 7th grade. He stared at her, looked for her, found her, and found her many more times yesterday. Before the awards ceremony began, I went to her and told her who Ryan was. It didn't go so well. Since she got 19th place in Algebra I, she might go to OWC. Jack and I have to seriously protect her the whole time from Ryan.
And I think I made the same mistake again... Not so funny.

Selfish post, I'm warning you.

Don't tell me I didn't warn you.

I've felt extremely empty these days, and it's really queer. It's like everyone around me has their feelings; happiness, sadness, anger, love, jealousy, impatience, etc. I have feelings too, and yes, they're real too. Is it weird that in addition, I feel useless and weak, and only in this world to be there?
"Oh, yeah, she's there." That's what I would say if I were another person. I love that my friends are supporting, caring, and a touch on the crazy side on regular occasions. Of course, helping people is just another part of life. Whenever there's a problem, I do my best to help them fix it if they would like it. It gives me a sense of joy to know when something good happens for them. I'm never going to be tired of helping anyone.
However, it doesn't stop me from feeling so hollow. Is this all there is to me? People care about me, but in the end, do I really matter? Of course I matter. Stupid question... What am I doubting? Why am I complaining?
No matter what happens to me, whenever I have trouble, no one can truly help me in the end. I always have to figure it out, or do something by myself. Study for the PSAT? MAO? My abominable class rank? Health issue? Stupid issues, really, and what am I going to do about it? Complain to myself that I'm simply not content. The last time I was truly happy was so long ago that I don't know remember to identify it. There isn't a path to absolute satisfaction because I don't know what would make me better. All I can feel is emptiness and sadness.

And I know why.

Que lastima!

Yesterday, realization hit me. I know how to read a lot more of my third language than I do my first. This is because I changed the language setting of my iPod for the fun of it. Browsing through Chinese, Japanese, Italian, Portuguese, French, and Engilsh, I switched to Chinese and Spanish. Chinese was horrible. Spanish was a lot better. It was so sad. On the bright side, I'm quite sure I can speak and understand more Chinese, so it does balance in the end.
Earlier that day, I also noticed that the day I finished my last FLVS class was one of the happiest days of my life, no joke. For anyone out there who has felt the pain, you know what I'm talking about. The horror of boredom and the fact that you have to do more FLVS homework is a downhill path. You would think having something to do is better than nothing at all, but it only makes you more bored. Every step of the way, you trod into another pit of insanity and you can't back out because your class has been active for over 28 days. You're legally obligated to complete the course or receive an F. No amount of complaining will make things better until you stop procrastinating and do the assignments on the enormous master list.